Collywog's Bloggy Blog

Libya

2011-02-25T18:49:00.003Z

So, Jackie Stallone is playing up in Libya, the people want her out and she's not budging, she's fucking determined to stay, the whole world is watching with excitement to see what happens, while the nutters on the streets are killing people and looting and doing naughty things while the press are literally wanking themselves with excitement that there is some news to report!
OK, so the ex-pats and British tax dodgers are pissed off because the British government hasn't done enough to rescue them from their tax haven in their hour of need, now I hate this fucking government but even I can see why they've dragged their feet rescuing those who don't want to live in Britain, I know that no everyone is a tax dodger, some have legitimate reasons to be there, prostitution and drug rackets, I'd guess.
The French managed to get all their nationals out in record fucking time, but that's the French for you isn't it? they can run away from an argument before there even is an argument.
Did anyone see that American cunt who was rescued by a British ship? he said on camera, "Never did I think I'd be happy to see the Union Jack", really? what a fuck wit, I'd have fucking tossed the Yank cunt off the ship for that statement, fuck sake, I wouldn't have let him on the BRITISH ship in the first place, you're an American, fucking wait for one of your ships to turn up you ungrateful cunt.
So yeah, Lets see what happens in Libya, but if I know anything about Jackie Stallone, its that she wont give up power without a bloody good fight.

Pain

2008-10-09T14:51:00.001+01:00

Why is pain so rubbish? I mean, I've been in pain in my shoulder for what feels like a millenium and it just doesn't seem to get any better, but the worst part is that, I know it hurts and that's it, you have to take my word for it and then it looks like I'm moaning all the bloody time, there is nothing visual for you to see and say, "Ooh that looks painful" and I can say, "yeah, well it hurts worse than it looks" NOTHING!
I've read about some people who are born and don't have pain receptors so they can cut their face off (to spite their nose?) and not feel a thing, I think this would be a brilliant thing to have, I realise the ramifications of it but fuck them! just be more careful, but then why should you be more careful? it's not as if not being careful is gonna hurt you! NO! I want to be pain free forever, I think it'd be cool, and I would try and make sure I'm not careless and get my arm ripped off one day and not realise that it was gone until I got to the pub (but I can't guarantee it).

Amy Winehouse

2008-07-09T11:46:00.002+01:00

At the time of writing this piece (ten minutes before I post it), Amy Winehouse is still alive, somehow.
The thing that I don't like about her is that she's not very good at music and so has gone down the Pete Doherty route of being famous for being famous. Everyone in this country who has ever glanced at a tabloid will know who she is and is simply waiting for the headline, "Amy Winehouse Dead" in our ghoulish little way, then we can all turn round and say, 'well she was talented' (no she wasn't), we can all sneer at the enormous amounts of drugs she consumes and we can laugh down our sleeves when she is pictured falling out of a club at 5am (her hair started to leave the club at 4am such is it's vastness) but in reality, she's just a fucked up idiot and society should turn their backs on her. Let me explain, she is glamorised in the press as being this huge talent with a wonky face and stupid hair and she wins music awards and gets invited to sing at some black blokes birthday party and all these things that are pretty special and it seems that no matter what she does in her private life, (heroin, cocaine, drinking and puking) it seems that she will always be forgiven after some tut tutting and then given a front page headline saying she's going to rehab, she'll be alright, and then a week later she rocks up looking like a two dollar skanky hooker and the press get excited again because they can sell more papers to me and you, because we just want to see if it's worth running down to the betting office to put a bet on the day of her death.

Farts

2008-07-07T10:39:00.002+01:00

Farts, trumps, bottom burps, blow offs, whatever you want to call them, they are probably the funniest thing that the human body can do, but only when done A)properly and B) by a man.
Women should never let one rip unless they are alone and miles away from possibly offending any over zealous ears, you see, farting is a mans game, it was invented by men and should only ever be done by men, it's a male bonding thing, and basically, women shouldn't get involved with anything that takes them away from the washing and ironing and talking about kittens.
When a man has a good one brewing, he'll not run off to the toilet and be selfish enough to let it go in private, there is nothing worse than coming from the toilets alone laughing to yourself, no, a man will share the experience with his fellow men and sometimes women, usually to rapturous applause, laughter and possibly even setting down a gauntlet which someone else will try to beat, immediately, thus starting the 'Mexican fart'.
I can also advise lighting the fart for added effect, it makes you look really talented and is a great talking point (especially at weddings) the only problem here is that you can burn your trousers, or if you are really experienced you can burn down the whole building, you've seen the towering inferno...
the other blessed thing about the fart is the smell, your own never smell that bad, but the reaction you can get from your fellow man is utterly satisfying, their faces turn a shade of green, some even try to fashion a gas mask out of their shirts, this is followed by 'the calleth of names' which is the only time you can be really derogatory to someone and get away with it, mainly because you are laughing as you say it, and for the guilty person, the worse the insult then the more satisfied you feel. Everyone who is male can get involved, and have consideration for the deaf, if you are going to fart, then make it smelly.

Hangovers

2008-07-04T12:04:00.004+01:00

Whoever invented hangovers must have been a sadist, I mean, what good are they? all they do is give you a constant reminder of how good last night was and now it's gone and you have to return to your boring pathetic life...but first you'll have to suffer a hangover, last night you were king of the world, and now you are stig of the dump! The hangover gremlin, doesn't even do a proper job*, sometimes I can drink enough alcohol to fill the Atlantic ocean (if somehow it had been emptied, you know what I mean) and I will somehow get home and pass out and not die choking on my own vomit and then wake up in the morning and feel as fresh as a daisy, nothing, nada, no headache, no feeling rough, no morning after shits, nowt, which then makes you question the reason you went out and got shit faced in the first place, you could have saved all your money and gone to bed after the news and woken up in a worse state than you are now, which is stupid, and then there are times when you can go out and have a couple of drinky poos, and wake up feeling like death, the hangover gremlin needs retraining in his job, unless he is doing a proper job and it's just got to the point where the gremlin looks at his clipboard, sees my name on it and thinks, 'fuck it, he'll never learn, I gave him a hangover once that made his brain dribble out of his ear and he still went out on the piss, so I'm not wasting my time on him', which is actually quite cool, I took on the gremlin and won, so if you get a hangover you don't deserve, then I'm really sorry because it's probably mine.

*Mr Gremlin is doing a great job! (please don't visit me ever again)

Wham

2008-07-02T12:00:00.004+01:00

Like not knowing the members of the Police, nobody knows the other member of Wham, the
other member of Wham I'll reveal to you is George Michael. The most famous member of the duo is Andrew Ridgeley, he was the one who wrote the songs and he wasn't gay because he married one of the girls from Bananarama, Wham had a string of fans who often like to sing their most famous Christmas song 'Club Tropicana' when they went to see Wham in concert. Wham's biggest audience was in front of a sell out 'dog and duck' crowd playing to as many as 21 people at one point they eventually got signed by a record company called Innervision who don't exist any more, Wham had a couple of good songs before finding a port hole in the space time continuum and arrived in 1998 where they stole Billie Pipers song 'Last Christmas' and returned to the 1980's and released it as their own, If Billie had known about it she would have been furious, but she didn't, so she wasn't.
In the spring of 1986 Andrew Ridgley and George Michael went to a party with lots of other famous types, Ridgley had had a curry the night before and while he was chatting to some people he did a blow-off which really stank, he blamed it on poor George who was ridiculed all night eventually resulting in George having a hissy fit and going home, it was the end of the band but it was the beginning of a new career for George Michael, he had a semi successful solo career, but his earlier embarrassment in life would always annoy him, so, proving that he had strong sphincter muscles and didn't let rip in public he decided to ask a policeman in some toilets to smell his bum to see 'if he'd trumped' which got him in trouble. Andrew on the other hand got covered in shit in the sea whilst surfing and nearly died, to add to his humiliation he now lives in Cornwall.

Sting and The Police

2008-06-30T14:06:00.001+01:00

The thing about the Police (band) is that Sting is a twat, almost up there in the echelons of twattyness currently occupied by Phil Collins, the other thing about the band the Police is that no fucker knows the name of the other two. well, I can reveal that they are called 'Andy Summers and Stuart Copeland" Who'd have thought it eh? two members of the band with normal names in fact so normal that their whole music career became a normal normality of normalness, they could walk down a normal street with a big freaking sign on their heads that reads, 'we're the two blokes who perform with Sting' and no-one would know who they are, in fact I'm going to get my dad to tell any stranger that he meets in the pub that he is, in fact, one of the blokes from 'the Police' their names have already escaped me!
I don't like 'the Police' because their songs are sickly annoying, like, you hear it once and it's great but once really is enough, there's that one about the prozzie and the one that killed off Biggie Smalls and Puff Daddy whined his way through, and the one where they walk about on the moon and that one that recommends that they move away from them, (presumably because they all stink of fags and vomit and twat), all good songs, you'll agree, but do you really need to listen to them again? and again? and then they have just done a reunion tour and didn't have any new stuff (lazy) and it was supposed to be cool because they hadn't spoken to each other for 80 years and they meet up and do a few gigs, because the two who aren't Sting are a bit skint and the one that is Sting wants people to remember him as a musician and not as JD's dads in Lock Stock and two smoking barrels.

Robert Mugabe

2008-06-27T15:58:00.001+01:00

"Rob Mugabe had a farm down old zimbab-way"
Mugabe is a bastard of a man, he's a very sore loser and he doesn't have many friends.
He's the bloke in charge of Zimbabwe but the rest of the people who live there don't really like him much so they tried democratically to remove him, old Mugabe had other ideas, when he found out that people didn't want him as their gaffer, he had a proper strop and killed a load of innocent people who said they didn't like him, then when the results came in from the vote, he created a diversion, 'look over there' and stole all the votes that his opponent had earned, eventually killing/raping/maiming/torturing all the people who said that they didn't like him, and so he was allowed to continue in power as it looked like he had won the election, then people grew even more tired of him because they were poor and he wouldn't help them because he wasn't poor so why should he care, anyway, time came when people wanted to vote him out and he knew he would lose, so he had his opponant beaten up and arrested and now has rigged another election so he can stay in power because he knows that if he loses then he'll be killed, the thing is, the way things are going, if he stays in power then I think his chances of survival are even more limited as not a lot of people like him, and there are a lot of people who are desperate enough to have him shot. Mugabe is such a nasty piece of work, even his mother hates him.

Voting

2008-06-25T11:50:00.000+01:00

Every year there will be a public vote on something, it might be a local or a general election, regardless of what it is, even if it's a vote to see whether there should be a vote, then you should go and bloody vote! I'm sick to the back teeth of people who moan and cuss the state of the nation and the government and their local MPs and the way they feel let down, and yet, last time there was a vote, they couldn't be bothered to drag themselves off their fat arses to go to the polling station and put an 'X' in a box! hell, you can even apply to vote by post if you want, it doesn't matter how you vote as long as you fucking get down to the polling station and cast your vote. People can't be arsed to vote because, 'my party never win' or, 'I don't understand politics', or, 'I'm a lazy bastard' this is ridiculous, it's not about if you can pick the winner of the election, it's about not giving you vote to someone else who's policies you don't like, for every vote you give to say, Labour, then it's one vote that the Tories haven't received, and later on, they will have a meeting and wonder why so many people didn't vote for them then figure out that it's because you, yes you! didn't like certain policies and so next time round they will change their strategy to try and please you and the rest of the people who didn't vote for them, it's a democracy for Christ sake, if you don't tell people what you want (by voting or writing to your local M.P) then how will they ever know how happy/pissed off you are, if you don't understand politics, then I suggest you get a fucking newspaper or watch the news sometimes, there are many levels of media that will inform you of what's happening and what party are doing what, all you need to do is spend ten minutes a week and you will eventually find something that the Tories or Labour are doing and you'll think, 'I like that, I'll vote for them' or 'That's stupid, they'll not get my vote' it's that simple! so stop being bone idle, expand your knowledge, earn your right to complain about society, and if you are still confused then 'vote for Pedro'.

Blogs

2008-06-24T13:01:00.001+01:00

Blogs are the biggest waste of time in the history of the world.
People who write blogs are generally dull and writing a blog is their way of admitting that they don't have enough friends to occupy the day, of course, you could feel sorry for the unfortunate blogger, but I don't advise that attitude at all, because as a blogger sits at home all day, blogging, he/she is also thinking of ways in their head to turn round every situation to work to their advantage, you see, once you've given a blogger sympathy, you've also given them a way in, an invitation to come in and disappoint you and then leave, the blogger will return to their nest and blog away, waiting for their next victim, a blogger would take a post like this one, where the opening lines almost make you feel sorry for the individual, then they will witter on to make you continue reading and then they'll strike saying something like; "but the truth is the blogger has plenty of friends, he just feels they are not worthy of his attention, and that he'd rather sit at his computer, thinking up rubbish and putting it into words, than socialise with a third rate imbecile like you, because after all, you're the one reading what he writes!"

Beards

2008-06-20T15:24:00.001+01:00

Why is it that only cool people have beards? famous beard wearers off the top of my head include, Me, Mister Miagi, ZZ top, Father Christmas, Chuck Norris, Mr T, Hagrid from Harry Potter, Abe Lincoln, Cher....those are just a few, I don't need to write a list of everyone who is suave enough to grow a beard, because I'd be here all day and I'm sure you can think of a few beardies of your own that you might feel need a credible mention.
The beard was originally invented in 1986 by a man named Gary as a sign of virility, and the male member of the species, grew the hair on his chin and face to attract women, who would look at the beard and wilt with delight, the beard took on a new meaning when baddies started wearing them, (Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Cher) but it survived the rocky ride and now it's back in fashion, and anyone who is anyone will be sporting some sort of face fuzz, be it, a nicely trimmed beard, a big old sea dog beard, or a goatee, where ever you go today, you will see a beard, unless you go to prison where beards are banned because people used to hide in them and escape through the main gates, or they would conveniently hide under their beards whilst digging a tunnel under the walls, out of view of the guards.

Big Brother

2008-06-18T17:46:00.001+01:00

It's back, the annual watch a wanker season and this year is no exception, sixteen of the most stupid people on these shores have made it through the selection process and are now in the process of ruining their lives, not that they have much of a life to begin with otherwise they wouldn't be in the telebox trying to be; I don't know what they are trying to be, fame hungry morons, series one was billed as a social experiment, to see how people could cope living in each others pockets and being filmed 24/7. Since then it's become a way of getting your fifteen minutes of fame, even though out of a country of 60 million or so people, there are less than 1 million people who would actually recognise you in the street and less than one person in that million wouldn't actually want to punch you in the face.
It's cheap tv, no script writers, no actors, lah dee dah, and the end result is no entertainment, just a bunch of fuck heads, smoking and arguing because to be fair, if I was in there I'd hate everyone, but next year I'm going to be on it, I've figured out that the only way to avoid big brother on every media level for three months next year is to be in the show and win it, then, when I win, I'll take a big shit in the toilet and not flush it away, then I'll definitely watch the year after my victory, and hope the person who lifts the toilet lid first and finds my gift, will be crowned the winner.

This years winner: Channel 4

Repeats

2008-06-16T12:51:00.000+01:00

Television repeats are the most annoying thing in the world, especially if you've seen the show! even more annoying is when you watch the show half way through and realise that you've seen it before and thus have missed another show that you haven't seen but is one of those shows that probably wont be repeated and every one else in the world watched it except you! The thing is, there are too many channels to fill the schedules, so you have the Top Gear Channel, The M*A*S*H channel, the Friends channel etc etc, and now the program makers have realised that they can sit at home with their feet up and not create anything new because a repeat will suffice, it'll get to the point where the program makers will start making repeats specifically for the 'repeat' channel. There are god knows how many versions of Pride and Prejudice out there and yet, there will no doubt be another version being filmed right now with some doe eyed bint, who's going to be the next big thing, this is just an excuse to get some tart in a corset (corset is! haha) so you can gawp at her knockers and pretend that you are interested in period dramas.
I am truly sick of repeats, I want to see fresh, new ideas, not old ideas from my youth that seemed old and rubbish at the time, It's getting so bad that some channels are showing old football matches, what's the point of that? we all know the score and in my eyes once you know the score, the match is irrelevant, one exception to this is Match of the day, where it is good to see the goals scored and conceded and the dirty tackle and the latest dive technique mastered by the Chelsea squad.
Anyway rant over, I'm going to go and watch Only Fools and Horses.

Intelligence Quotient

2008-06-14T12:23:00.000+01:00

I'll admit it, when I got my results for my IQ test, I was embarrassed, I couldn't believe the score, and I didn't want to tell anyone, I was embarrassed for my mother because she had always boasted about having a great IQ, and then I get my result and beat her IQ and prove her wrong about being smart, you see, I went and got 143 which is rather high and certainly doesn't seem right, but it is right! I am that clever and now I don't mind telling people because I also read that Liam Gallagher has a higher IQ than Carol Vorderman, so now it goes to show that you don't have to act intelligent to actually be a boffin. I'm happy about the score but now I've promised myself that I will never take one again, just in case the results come through, well, badly, then I would be upset and have justification for why I come across as an idiot, so I'm sticking with my 143 and that's that! but what if it goes up? well that thought has entered my head and thus I could be cheating myself out of knowing how brilliant I am, but I won't miss it if I never [realised I] actually had it, I also read that heavy drinking reduces your IQ (because your brain cells drown in beer presumably) but as I have been a heavy drinker for years and still managed a 143 result, I think I can either, carry on drinking because I've got a few IQ points to spare before I become one of the little people, or that my IQ is actually increasing with age and alcohol and pretty soon I will be the new rain man!

Walking Sticks

2008-06-11T17:23:00.002+01:00

I'm not talking about the stick you see old men using to keep their balance and walk from A to B and point at things with, no, I'm talking about real ramblers walking sticks, those things that look like ski poles, but for walkers! Rambling is basically the equvallent of walking across your garden but on a grand scale, your garden becomes the country side, but all in all, it's just walking on grass, this is the bit that riles me, these rambling types, (grey hair, weird beards, stupid dress sense and a flask of weak coffee - and that's just the women!), they all have these bloody walking sticks, I've seen them (some even have two), they drive to their start point, walk around the car put their bum bags on and set off along the tarmac, unaided, perfectly able to put one foot in front of the other, but as soon as they put one foot onto grass, out comes the stick, and some have a clever stick that is like a transformer and folds into the size of an atom, no, as soon as they hit grass, they feel the need for a stick, and I would like to know why because it's not that hard to walk on grass and it doesn't hurt as much as tarmac does if you happen to fall over. I'm not going to talk to one of these rambling types any time soon, they hang around in their own little groups, presumably because these rambling types are mind control experts, those who talk to them and don't die of bordom are whisked away to a secret location (Thirsk), taught how to talk like Mr Bean and given a kagool and a stick and sent out into the wild, god help us, they are like rats, you are never more than 10 feet away from someone who thinks it's a good idea on a rainy day to walk up a grassy knoll!

What Annoys Me The Most

2008-06-09T17:29:00.001+01:00

I recently filled out a survery where the question was, "what annoys you most?" Well here are the options:

A pen which has run out of ink,Alistair Darling,Americans,Amy Winehouse,Anthea Turner,Automated phone systems,Bad hair days,Bad manners,Bank charges,Being left on hold,Being overcharged,Being put on hold,Big Brother,Blokes in flip-flops,Bosses,Bottled Water – why not drink from the tap?,Breaking a nail,Britney Spears,Brownnosers,Burning your toast,Buses not arriving on time,Caravans,Carol Vorderman,Cashiers giving you your change on top of a receipt,Cat hair that sticks to your clothes,CDs that skip,Chavs,Children that cough in your face,Chiwawas,Cold Callers,Coldsores,Computer/console games freezing,Cost of petrol,Cramp,Cyclists,Debt Companies,Diahorrea,Dodgy printer,Dog owners that don’t clean up after their dog,Egg timer appearing on the computer,Email spam,Embarrassing farts,Estate Agents,Failing your driving test,Finding that you’ve run out of toilet paper when you really need the loo!,Flat tyres,Flatmates that use up all the milk,Flies,Garden weeds,Getting a puff of smoke in your face,Getting something in your eye,Gillian Mckeith,Gordon Brown,Handles breaking on supermarket carrier bags,Hangovers,Hay fever,Headaches,Heat rash,Heather Mills,Hollyoaks,Hoodies,Housework,International telephone call centres,Jade Goody,Jehovah’s witnesses,Jodie Marsh,John McCririck,Jordan,Junk mail,Karaoke,Kerry Katona,Leaving your mobile at home,Lindsay Lohan,Losing your glasses,Losing your passport,Middle lane drivers on the motorway,Missing the last post,Mosquitoes,Mother-in-Laws,Motorcyclists weaving in and out of traffic,Natasha Kaplinsky,Noisy eaters,Noisy neighbours,Not being able to find a matching pair of socks,Not having change when you really need it,Novelty ring tones,Out of tune singers,Paper cuts,People chatting loudly on mobile phone on public transport,People drinking from the carton,People driving close behind you,People pushing prams in a shop,People ramming the back of your heels with trolleys,People reading over your shoulder,People that have their mobile turned off when you really need to get in contact with them,People that park in disabled bays when they’re not disabled,People waving money at the bar, trying to attract attention.,People who complain how fat they are when they’re so obviously skinny,People who mumble,People who sit in the outside lane doing 50mph,People who text in capitals,Pete Doherty,Pimped up cars,Posh Spice,Postmen who don’t push the post all the way through the letterbox,Power cuts,Pranging your car,Queue jumpers,Queuing,Reaching a set of traffic lights, just as they go red,Receiving birthday/Christmas cards from pets,Reformed smokers,Roadworks,Rubbish opening times to doctors, dentists,Rude shop staff,Running out of petrol,Sara Cox,Scientology,Screaming children,Secret workers before exams,Slow computer,Small yapping dogs,Smoking ban,Snobs,Socialists,Somebody nicking your parking spot,Spots,Stepping in chewing gum,Stepping in dog poo,Steve McClaren,Stubbing your toe,Sunburn,Tax hikes,Tax returns,Temperamental internet connections,The hot water running out when you’re running a bath,Traffic jams,Traffic wardens,Trying to find the end of the selotape or toilet roll,Warm beer,Wasps,Westlife,White van man drivers

Actually all of the above works for me, but you know what really annoyed me most?, it was the three words at the top of the page, 'choose ONE answer'

John Doe

2008-06-07T09:06:00.000+01:00

Why in the world would anyone who lives in America, call their child Jane or John Doe?
Maybe I'm missing something, I always assumed that any name was as good as the other, it's just a word to identify a person or pet or whatever, however, that's not the point I'm getting to, If you have a child called Jane Doe or John Doe, then I'm really sorry people but you have just given your child THE worlds most unlucky name! Check it out in films or even better, check out real stories or case files, every dead body they find is either called Jane or John Doe, even if there are ten bodies in the same room, it's like they were at convention for people with the name Jane or John Doe and then some fucker burst in and killed them, so rule number one, DON'T, for the love of God call your kids John or Jane Doe, and number two, if by some unfortunate fact you are called John or Jane Doe (then I guarantee you, you will die very soon) what ever you do DON'T go to a convention/party with your namesakes, it's just not worth it!

Graham 'Fucking' Norton

2008-06-04T11:09:00.000+01:00

Anyone like him? no? really? what a surprise, I've yet to meet anyone who like this wretched little poofter, he is really the most disgusting little leprechaun I've ever seen in my life, who the hell discovered this guy and thought, 'he'd be good on mainstream television' I'll tell you who, some fucker without a television that's who, he's there now laughing his knackers off because he doesn't have to look at old potato face every freaking minute of the day, and I bet if he could get on television more than twenty four hours a day, then he would try, I've had more of an affinity with a pile of cat sick than I ever could with Norton. His father should have been castrated and his mother burned at the stake for creating him. He doesn't even try to be likeable, he has a face that looks like his neck has regurgitated the contents of a dog poo bin and left a little white tuft, just to make it seem normal, the man (if that's what he is) isn't normal, and is another example of the celebrity tagging that I invented for Kilroy, I'd love to meet him actually, I'd beat the living bejeeesus out of him and when I stand before the judge, I can guarantee you that the judge will let me go, reccomend me for a knighthood, give me a million pounds in damages and throw Norton into jail for being Graham 'fucking' Norton!

Making Appointments

2008-06-02T18:09:00.003+01:00

I hate the word appointments, it sounds so clinical and scary, and I don't know what else to call going for drinks (other than 'going for drinks' because I think that sounds like you are doing something else too, you are being sketchy about your plans and don't want me to know, hmmmmmm), I suppose saying, 'it's a date' is sufficient but then people get the wrong impression and think you are actually going 'on a date' and then it's embarrassing when they see you in the pub later with a male friend whom they don't know, it's not easy to explain.
I've just arranged to go out this Saturday, which means I've got days and days to wait before going out with my friends, I prefer not arranging anything until about ten seconds before I actually do it, (much like my last words on this world will be, "hey guys, watch this..") Now I have to endure the working week, which is about as much fun as snogging your mother, The thing is, I know the night will be like every other night out and I'll probably spend too much money and I'll wonder to myself why I looked forward to the night out in the first place, which is probably why I have agreed to go out and not bothered going on many occasions so can I beg you all now, don't ask me to go out for drinks with you unless we are going right now!

Kilroy

2008-05-30T20:03:00.001+01:00

When was the last time you saw Robert Kilroy Silk? I bet you can't remember, I know I can't! I think it was a few years ago when he was campaigning for U.K.I.P, but in fairness, I could have been watching him on television yesterday! you see, someone like Kilroy just blends into the fabric of society, you don't notice him, you don't even know he's there, his wife has probably forgotten that she's married to him and his reflection doesn't even bother to turn up in his mirror every morning such is the blandness of the man, and yet he's still haunting my thoughts, he's there in the deep dark matter of my brain, where if I'm off guard he jumps out and shouts, "Kilroy" and then he's in my head again and I can't get rid of him!
He had a pathetic chat show that probably still runs on BBC one, I sent an email to the head of BBC to see if it was still broadcast and he didn't know! he said, it probably is; I was once forced by terrorists to watch his show, a show with topics such as; 'My teenage son uses English instead of grunts; is he gay?' or 'Who's got the silliest tan' (this was a cracking show with Kilroys perma-tan vs a young David Dickinson who had spent so much time around antique furniture he has turned into a mahogany wardrobe) and finally, 'who watches this crap' the answer was no one, which is why he isn't on television any more, which begs the question, 'where is he?' I think that there are some people who are creepy enough to need to have a tracking tag attached to them, Kilroy is a prime example of this needed technology, but then again, I would wager that he doesn't even know where he is most of the time. All I know about Kilroy nowadays is that his shows are now burned in a power station and the energy is used to light the streets of Burnley!

People who pretend to have read Charles Dickens

2008-05-28T13:00:00.001+01:00

How many of you have ever lied your face off to someone and said thet you've read Charles Dickens? yeah, bollocks! you lying set of bastards.
Apparently there are more people in this country who have never read Charles Dickens but say that they have than there are actual people who have read Charles Dickens, which is phenomenal it basically means that if you ask two people whether they have read him, at least 50% of those two people are lying to you!
Now I have read Dickens, that's a fact, I'm part of the population that have read his works and I actually like his stuff, I've not read everything he wrote and I have stayed pretty mainstream, but non the less I am a bona fide walking specimen of a man who has read him, we are a dying breed, youths today would rather be 'dick in' each other than readings dickens (see what I did there? huh? did you?) but riddle me this, when you try and catch one of these lying weasels out, it's really rather difficult to ask a question to see if they really are telling the truth, it's difficult because people think that reading nowadays is sitting down in front of a movie screen for two hours, I've even heard people say, 'why bother reading it when there will be a film released about it soon enough' to the person who said that, there is only one answer, 'Fuck Off' to those who profess to have read Dickens then you'll be able to answer this question, "In Great Expectations, what is the connection between, Miss Haversham, Estella, Magwitch and Compeyson?" You see that isn't explained in any of the films, so unless they have read the book, you'll witness a lot of people saying, 'well, I've not read that one actually'.

Superheroes

2008-05-26T12:25:00.000+01:00

Superheroes are what got me through my childhood, a chance of escapism, something to dream about and an unnatural affinity to tight Lycra outfits.
For me there is, and only ever will be, one superhero worth mentioning and that's got to be Superman! first of all he has everything (except an immunity to Kryptonite and the ability to look through lead) he can fly, who wouldn't want to fly? maybe some people wouldn't want to fly because they are scared of heights, this would be a valid excuse but I'd still call you a gay, then there is the x-ray vision, naturally the first place you'd go if you had this amazing power would be the ladies changing rooms and look through the wall and ogle the delights that are on show, then there is his strength, he's rock hard! (I could probably 'ave him, but that's another matter) and there is so much more but right there are three cool points that make him much better than, say, Batman, who has a belt! a belt that he made that has a little grappling hook in it and a ninja star that's shaped like a bat, and he has a butler that gets him out of trouble, he's a regular guy who prances around like he's a member of fathers for justice, he's not a superhero.
Spiderman is a kind of superhero because his genetic make up is different to a human and so he can spin webs and heal quickly, but it's not really shit your pants excitement though is it? The incredible hulk is just stupid because it's totally not real!
Supergirl, now we are talking, as amazing as Superman but unlike her Kryptonian cousin she has appeared in many a mucky dream.

Dawn French

2008-05-23T12:58:00.001+01:00

She's been around for as long as I care to remember and I'm still undecided about her, is she funny? I don't really know, I thought a few episodes of the Vicar of Dibley were actually quite good, especially the Christmas one where she has to eat three Christmas dinners because she's agreed to go to everyones meal. But I absolutely detest French and Saunders because that show just isn't funny! if you think it is funny then you are obviously a moronic buffoon.
She's been on everything, she does every advert under the sun, and I suppose she is a great role model for bigger women out there if she can stand proud and still be adored by the nation (although I must remind you that she is actually Welsh, a line has to be drawn somewhere before the Welsh spiral out of control), she makes the Terry's chocolate orange adverts and revels in the "woman NEEDS chocolate role" although there should be a disclaimer that if you eat too much chocolate then this is what you will turn out like, maybe I'm not being fair, she is always smiling, always bubbly, has made a long career in comedy and serious roles and has not been belittled because of her weight, seems friendly enough and has made a lot of people laugh, so yeah, I think it would be fair to say that I like Dawn French, which is funny really as I don't usually like anything that Lenny Henry's been in.

Being Aware Of the Way You Walk

2008-05-21T11:15:00.001+01:00

Have you ever been out and about on foot on your own, when you pass a group of people, usually troublemakers in hoodies, and they scowl at you as you walk past and you do your best not to make eye contact with any of the gang as this will result in their favourite past time of kicking heads in? Well I have, and it's at this precise moment that I always become aware of the way I walk, which I know is absolutely ridiculous but it happens, my walk is absolutely fine, right foot left foot the body follows and I usually get to my intended destination, I occasionally have a slight limp (from an old sports injury) but all in all I think it's fine, but why is it when I need my ability to walk, do I get all jittery and start to think that I'm walking like a man who has just escaped the confines of his wheelchair? I convince myself that I have this stupid little bum wiggle that will make me look like some over exuberant queer, so I try to rectify my walk only to make it worse and end up walking even more stupidly, in my head I'm now walking like my left leg is six feet long and my right leg is 6 inches long. I could seriously give John Cleese (ministry of silly walks) a run for his money sometimes. I think if it continues then I'm going to stop walking altogether, or at least confront the gang of youths so they can break my legs, then I'll have an excuse for walking like a spazz.

Safari Parks

2008-05-19T12:11:00.002+01:00

I can't remember much about visiting a safari park, I know I have been to one, but I couldn't tell you where it was, even if you threatened to cover me with jam and sand, I really can't remember where it was, all I do remember about it was that I found out that Giraffes have an affinity towards Monster Munch!
I know you are not supposed to open your windows but everyone does, especially when you see a cheeky monkey wanking himself off in front of you in a strange street theatre kind of way, only he doesn't want money he wants food, in fact, I think I'd rather see (and give money to) masturbating monkeys as I walk through Asda, it'd be much more entertaining than the people who are around every corner you turn playing pan pipes (Makes you wonder if there is anyone left in Peru?)
Monkeys are the main draw for people visiting safaris, I know the lions and tigers are impressive, but they'll eat you, no, it's the monkeys who are best, they jump on your car and shove their big baboon arses into your windscreen, much to the delight of any infants in the vehicle (and secretly appeals to the child in you too), then the best bit, when they start destroying everything on your car that can be destroyed, much to the delight of any infants in the vehicle (but not to you!, it was hilarious when it happened to the car in front though), And then when you do get to the big cats, they are all asleep and when they do look up they look at you as though you're not worthy or getting up for, as if the meat on my bones isn't good enough for them, no wonder the monkeys are such a delight, they would have had my eyes out in a heartbeat, how do you like that mister Lion, you big pussy!

Lazy Remaking Of Songs

2008-05-16T13:29:00.000+01:00

Ooooh, this is something that really gets my goat, not because the remakes are rubbish (sometimes they are surprisingly good) it's the fact that they always play the song in a different tempo to the one that you are used to, so when you sing along to the song, you generally sing along too fast and when you start a new verse or the chorus, you come in too early, this makes you look stupid and look unable to keep in time with a song, but it's not your fault! it's the people who have made the songs fault, they should have left the tempo as it was, my recent example for this was 'Birdhouse in your soul' it was on some tv show and it was slow and I looked like I'd never heard the song before, (I have heard it before) but then there is that really famous version of 'Money (that's what I want)' by the flying lizzards, I mean it's a really good version but I get all the bits wrong and I bet I'm not the only one, I say don't remake it unless you remake it exactly the same.

Carry On Films

2008-05-14T13:07:00.002+01:00

I think the Carry On... series of films are absolutely genius and typically British, I say this because they have managed to make four million Carry On films and all they had was one joke! And boy oh boy did they know how to stretch that joke over the years, Babs Windsor still actually thinks she is starring in a Carry On production when she isn't filming Eastenders, have a look at her next time she's on tele in a 'real life' situation, there she is, mad as a hatter bumping into people with those unfettered knockers, which, incidentally should have a warning sign (warning: not as good as you might think) the same sign should actually go hand in hand with the Carry On films. I also say that it's typically British because, in a similar vein to only having one joke, they managed to make these films and sell them to the same people over and over again, there was a new Carry On film every week, such was the cheapness to make and shove into the cinemas. People would go and watch them, because they didn't have anything better to do, the sensible people would come out of the cinema and realise they had something to do, hang themselves, the rest simply went home, got up to no good and re populated the country because the male was a bit randy after watching a risque scene in a crap film. Anyone who tells you that they like the Carry On films are liars and should be shot!

Facebook

2008-05-12T11:32:00.000+01:00

What is it about Facebook that is so addictive? if someone came up to you and pitched the idea of Facebook to you, you'd probably tell them that it's a stupid idea, it's boring and nobody would be interested in it, yet, as we all know, Facebook is huge. There are other social networking sites (MySpace and Bebo for example) but I think Facebook is the best and I don't know why, I check it every 4 seconds, my addiction to Facebook used to mean I would check it every three seconds but I'm slowly (second by second) getting it in order, I'm not a naturally nosey person and I'm not too bothered what my friends are doing, I just have to keep checking back to see if I've missed something, I might have been poked or someone has left an amusing comment on one of my pictures or I've been outbid on Owned!.
I really shouldn't like Facebook, I can't win it, nobody wins, it's an infringment into my personal life, I keep everything bottled up inside and I very rarely tell people anything about me but click on my Facebook page and you can find out everything you need to know about me, even the size of my knob (V.Small, hard working, vigouos daily exercise regime). Anyway, I'm still as puzzled about Facebook as I was before I started writing this, but I've got to go now and update my status.

Swear Words

2008-05-09T12:27:00.000+01:00

I love them, They are smart, sophisticated, to the point and make you feel like a grown up when you use them, I mean it too, swear words are so cool and are naturally used. If you cut of your thumb with a saw you're going to say, "Fuck" or "shit" if someone tells you something amazing then you will undoubtedly say "fucking hell" or some other sort of expletive. Or if you see a girl that you'd like to F... Well I think you get my point on the subject, I'm really geting bored of these people who say, "you don't have to use swear words when there are so many other words in the English dictionary" go on then, what 'fucking' words should I substitute my swear words for without sounding like a twat? you didn't leave any examples did you, you useless wordsmith. It's easy to tell people to use other words and look down on the swearers but there aren't any other words suitable you see, we need swear words to emphasise the point we are trying to make, and unless you are five years old, then 'golly gosh wow' doesn't really cut it.

Joke Telling

2008-05-07T11:42:00.000+01:00

Why the fuck can't people tell jokes? it's something that really annoys me, you get people who say, 'have you heard that one about the three legged man?' and you say 'no' in a long drawn out bored kind of way, you don't want to hear it, but you know you are going to get told it anyway, then the person who can't tell jokes (usually a girl) then bores you to death trying to tell this joke in drips, the second line first, then the first line, then the punchline and then the rest of the joke and they fall about laughing as you stand there bored out of your tits and totally confused, then they have the audacity to look at you like a piece of shit because you didn't laugh at their joke!, they don't even apologise for telling the joke wrong, they just think you need a sense of humour, fucking annoying, what's even worse is when they say have you heard the one about... and then reveal the punchline! how stupid is that? The best ones are when they start telling a joke and you already know it so you can shout out the punchline halfway through, thus getting an opportunity to look smug (never miss an opportunity to look smug!) and being able to spoil the joke for everyone else, although you're not really spoiling it, you are actually saving the joke teller from making themselves look a twat because they can't tell the joke right anyway, I mean, how hard is it to get a few sentences in the correct order? Sometimes I really think I am alone on this planet, I really do, how we made it this far as a species is beyond me.

Holidays

2008-05-05T18:26:00.000+01:00

Ultimately for me, the best part about going on holiday is coming home so you can brag about how much of a good time you've had abroad in the hot sun drinking all day and eyeing up some foreign bird who once smiled at you (out of pity) while you lot have been back here in old blighty getting piss wet through in the rain and slaving away all day in your sodden clothes at your piss poor excuse for a job. I think that basically sums up what people go on holiday for (well, it's why I go on holiday), then there is the fourteen million photos that they simply must show you and to make matters worse, they suddenly think that because they haven't seen you in a fortnight they think that you have been abducted by aliens, had your brain sucked out of your ear and turned into an absolute imbecile, I say this because as you flick through the pictures as fast as you can, three at a time, they talk about each picture at great length! "that's me" like I needed telling?, I can see it's you, you are right here in front of me! I've seen you in real life more times than you've seen yourself in real life, in fact I might have to doubt your judgement, "is it really you? wow, have you been away or something?" That statement really kills them, it makes them think that nobody missed them, (nobody did) they usually get in a huff about now and bugger off home and you are glad of the peace and quiet, because now you can crack open and enjoy the bottle of duty free whiskey your friend so kindly brought back for you.