Pain

Why is pain so rubbish? I mean, I've been in pain in my shoulder for what feels like a millenium and it just doesn't seem to get any better, but the worst part is that, I know it hurts and that's it, you have to take my word for it and then it looks like I'm moaning all the bloody time, there is nothing visual for you to see and say, "Ooh that looks painful" and I can say, "yeah, well it hurts worse than it looks" NOTHING!
I've read about some people who are born and don't have pain receptors so they can cut their face off (to spite their nose?) and not feel a thing, I think this would be a brilliant thing to have, I realise the ramifications of it but fuck them! just be more careful, but then why should you be more careful? it's not as if not being careful is gonna hurt you! NO! I want to be pain free forever, I think it'd be cool, and I would try and make sure I'm not careless and get my arm ripped off one day and not realise that it was gone until I got to the pub (but I can't guarantee it).

Amy Winehouse

At the time of writing this piece (ten minutes before I post it), Amy Winehouse is still alive, somehow.
The thing that I don't like about her is that she's not very good at music and so has gone down the Pete Doherty route of being famous for being famous. Everyone in this country who has ever glanced at a tabloid will know who she is and is simply waiting for the headline, "Amy Winehouse Dead" in our ghoulish little way, then we can all turn round and say, 'well she was talented' (no she wasn't), we can all sneer at the enormous amounts of drugs she consumes and we can laugh down our sleeves when she is pictured falling out of a club at 5am (her hair started to leave the club at 4am such is it's vastness) but in reality, she's just a fucked up idiot and society should turn their backs on her. Let me explain, she is glamorised in the press as being this huge talent with a wonky face and stupid hair and she wins music awards and gets invited to sing at some black blokes birthday party and all these things that are pretty special and it seems that no matter what she does in her private life, (heroin, cocaine, drinking and puking) it seems that she will always be forgiven after some tut tutting and then given a front page headline saying she's going to rehab, she'll be alright, and then a week later she rocks up looking like a two dollar skanky hooker and the press get excited again because they can sell more papers to me and you, because we just want to see if it's worth running down to the betting office to put a bet on the day of her death.

Farts

Farts, trumps, bottom burps, blow offs, whatever you want to call them, they are probably the funniest thing that the human body can do, but only when done A)properly and B) by a man.
Women should never let one rip unless they are alone and miles away from possibly offending any over zealous ears, you see, farting is a mans game, it was invented by men and should only ever be done by men, it's a male bonding thing, and basically, women shouldn't get involved with anything that takes them away from the washing and ironing and talking about kittens.
When a man has a good one brewing, he'll not run off to the toilet and be selfish enough to let it go in private, there is nothing worse than coming from the toilets alone laughing to yourself, no, a man will share the experience with his fellow men and sometimes women, usually to rapturous applause, laughter and possibly even setting down a gauntlet which someone else will try to beat, immediately, thus starting the 'Mexican fart'.
I can also advise lighting the fart for added effect, it makes you look really talented and is a great talking point (especially at weddings) the only problem here is that you can burn your trousers, or if you are really experienced you can burn down the whole building, you've seen the towering inferno...
the other blessed thing about the fart is the smell, your own never smell that bad, but the reaction you can get from your fellow man is utterly satisfying, their faces turn a shade of green, some even try to fashion a gas mask out of their shirts, this is followed by 'the calleth of names' which is the only time you can be really derogatory to someone and get away with it, mainly because you are laughing as you say it, and for the guilty person, the worse the insult then the more satisfied you feel. Everyone who is male can get involved, and have consideration for the deaf, if you are going to fart, then make it smelly.

Hangovers

Whoever invented hangovers must have been a sadist, I mean, what good are they? all they do is give you a constant reminder of how good last night was and now it's gone and you have to return to your boring pathetic life...but first you'll have to suffer a hangover, last night you were king of the world, and now you are stig of the dump! The hangover gremlin, doesn't even do a proper job*, sometimes I can drink enough alcohol to fill the Atlantic ocean (if somehow it had been emptied, you know what I mean) and I will somehow get home and pass out and not die choking on my own vomit and then wake up in the morning and feel as fresh as a daisy, nothing, nada, no headache, no feeling rough, no morning after shits, nowt, which then makes you question the reason you went out and got shit faced in the first place, you could have saved all your money and gone to bed after the news and woken up in a worse state than you are now, which is stupid, and then there are times when you can go out and have a couple of drinky poos, and wake up feeling like death, the hangover gremlin needs retraining in his job, unless he is doing a proper job and it's just got to the point where the gremlin looks at his clipboard, sees my name on it and thinks, 'fuck it, he'll never learn, I gave him a hangover once that made his brain dribble out of his ear and he still went out on the piss, so I'm not wasting my time on him', which is actually quite cool, I took on the gremlin and won, so if you get a hangover you don't deserve, then I'm really sorry because it's probably mine.

*Mr Gremlin is doing a great job! (please don't visit me ever again)

Wham

Like not knowing the members of the Police, nobody knows the other member of Wham, the
other member of Wham I'll reveal to you is George Michael. The most famous member of the duo is Andrew Ridgeley, he was the one who wrote the songs and he wasn't gay because he married one of the girls from Bananarama, Wham had a string of fans who often like to sing their most famous Christmas song 'Club Tropicana' when they went to see Wham in concert. Wham's biggest audience was in front of a sell out 'dog and duck' crowd playing to as many as 21 people at one point they eventually got signed by a record company called Innervision who don't exist any more, Wham had a couple of good songs before finding a port hole in the space time continuum and arrived in 1998 where they stole Billie Pipers song 'Last Christmas' and returned to the 1980's and released it as their own, If Billie had known about it she would have been furious, but she didn't, so she wasn't.
In the spring of 1986 Andrew Ridgley and George Michael went to a party with lots of other famous types, Ridgley had had a curry the night before and while he was chatting to some people he did a blow-off which really stank, he blamed it on poor George who was ridiculed all night eventually resulting in George having a hissy fit and going home, it was the end of the band but it was the beginning of a new career for George Michael, he had a semi successful solo career, but his earlier embarrassment in life would always annoy him, so, proving that he had strong sphincter muscles and didn't let rip in public he decided to ask a policeman in some toilets to smell his bum to see 'if he'd trumped' which got him in trouble. Andrew on the other hand got covered in shit in the sea whilst surfing and nearly died, to add to his humiliation he now lives in Cornwall.

Sting and The Police

The thing about the Police (band) is that Sting is a twat, almost up there in the echelons of twattyness currently occupied by Phil Collins, the other thing about the band the Police is that no fucker knows the name of the other two. well, I can reveal that they are called 'Andy Summers and Stuart Copeland" Who'd have thought it eh? two members of the band with normal names in fact so normal that their whole music career became a normal normality of normalness, they could walk down a normal street with a big freaking sign on their heads that reads, 'we're the two blokes who perform with Sting' and no-one would know who they are, in fact I'm going to get my dad to tell any stranger that he meets in the pub that he is, in fact, one of the blokes from 'the Police' their names have already escaped me!
I don't like 'the Police' because their songs are sickly annoying, like, you hear it once and it's great but once really is enough, there's that one about the prozzie and the one that killed off Biggie Smalls and Puff Daddy whined his way through, and the one where they walk about on the moon and that one that recommends that they move away from them, (presumably because they all stink of fags and vomit and twat), all good songs, you'll agree, but do you really need to listen to them again? and again? and then they have just done a reunion tour and didn't have any new stuff (lazy) and it was supposed to be cool because they hadn't spoken to each other for 80 years and they meet up and do a few gigs, because the two who aren't Sting are a bit skint and the one that is Sting wants people to remember him as a musician and not as JD's dads in Lock Stock and two smoking barrels.

Robert Mugabe

"Rob Mugabe had a farm down old zimbab-way"
Mugabe is a bastard of a man, he's a very sore loser and he doesn't have many friends.
He's the bloke in charge of Zimbabwe but the rest of the people who live there don't really like him much so they tried democratically to remove him, old Mugabe had other ideas, when he found out that people didn't want him as their gaffer, he had a proper strop and killed a load of innocent people who said they didn't like him, then when the results came in from the vote, he created a diversion, 'look over there' and stole all the votes that his opponent had earned, eventually killing/raping/maiming/torturing all the people who said that they didn't like him, and so he was allowed to continue in power as it looked like he had won the election, then people grew even more tired of him because they were poor and he wouldn't help them because he wasn't poor so why should he care, anyway, time came when people wanted to vote him out and he knew he would lose, so he had his opponant beaten up and arrested and now has rigged another election so he can stay in power because he knows that if he loses then he'll be killed, the thing is, the way things are going, if he stays in power then I think his chances of survival are even more limited as not a lot of people like him, and there are a lot of people who are desperate enough to have him shot. Mugabe is such a nasty piece of work, even his mother hates him.