Kilroy

When was the last time you saw Robert Kilroy Silk? I bet you can't remember, I know I can't! I think it was a few years ago when he was campaigning for U.K.I.P, but in fairness, I could have been watching him on television yesterday! you see, someone like Kilroy just blends into the fabric of society, you don't notice him, you don't even know he's there, his wife has probably forgotten that she's married to him and his reflection doesn't even bother to turn up in his mirror every morning such is the blandness of the man, and yet he's still haunting my thoughts, he's there in the deep dark matter of my brain, where if I'm off guard he jumps out and shouts, "Kilroy" and then he's in my head again and I can't get rid of him!
He had a pathetic chat show that probably still runs on BBC one, I sent an email to the head of BBC to see if it was still broadcast and he didn't know! he said, it probably is; I was once forced by terrorists to watch his show, a show with topics such as; 'My teenage son uses English instead of grunts; is he gay?' or 'Who's got the silliest tan' (this was a cracking show with Kilroys perma-tan vs a young David Dickinson who had spent so much time around antique furniture he has turned into a mahogany wardrobe) and finally, 'who watches this crap' the answer was no one, which is why he isn't on television any more, which begs the question, 'where is he?' I think that there are some people who are creepy enough to need to have a tracking tag attached to them, Kilroy is a prime example of this needed technology, but then again, I would wager that he doesn't even know where he is most of the time. All I know about Kilroy nowadays is that his shows are now burned in a power station and the energy is used to light the streets of Burnley!

People who pretend to have read Charles Dickens

How many of you have ever lied your face off to someone and said thet you've read Charles Dickens? yeah, bollocks! you lying set of bastards.
Apparently there are more people in this country who have never read Charles Dickens but say that they have than there are actual people who have read Charles Dickens, which is phenomenal it basically means that if you ask two people whether they have read him, at least 50% of those two people are lying to you!
Now I have read Dickens, that's a fact, I'm part of the population that have read his works and I actually like his stuff, I've not read everything he wrote and I have stayed pretty mainstream, but non the less I am a bona fide walking specimen of a man who has read him, we are a dying breed, youths today would rather be 'dick in' each other than readings dickens (see what I did there? huh? did you?) but riddle me this, when you try and catch one of these lying weasels out, it's really rather difficult to ask a question to see if they really are telling the truth, it's difficult because people think that reading nowadays is sitting down in front of a movie screen for two hours, I've even heard people say, 'why bother reading it when there will be a film released about it soon enough' to the person who said that, there is only one answer, 'Fuck Off' to those who profess to have read Dickens then you'll be able to answer this question, "In Great Expectations, what is the connection between, Miss Haversham, Estella, Magwitch and Compeyson?" You see that isn't explained in any of the films, so unless they have read the book, you'll witness a lot of people saying, 'well, I've not read that one actually'.

Superheroes

Superheroes are what got me through my childhood, a chance of escapism, something to dream about and an unnatural affinity to tight Lycra outfits.
For me there is, and only ever will be, one superhero worth mentioning and that's got to be Superman! first of all he has everything (except an immunity to Kryptonite and the ability to look through lead) he can fly, who wouldn't want to fly? maybe some people wouldn't want to fly because they are scared of heights, this would be a valid excuse but I'd still call you a gay, then there is the x-ray vision, naturally the first place you'd go if you had this amazing power would be the ladies changing rooms and look through the wall and ogle the delights that are on show, then there is his strength, he's rock hard! (I could probably 'ave him, but that's another matter) and there is so much more but right there are three cool points that make him much better than, say, Batman, who has a belt! a belt that he made that has a little grappling hook in it and a ninja star that's shaped like a bat, and he has a butler that gets him out of trouble, he's a regular guy who prances around like he's a member of fathers for justice, he's not a superhero.
Spiderman is a kind of superhero because his genetic make up is different to a human and so he can spin webs and heal quickly, but it's not really shit your pants excitement though is it? The incredible hulk is just stupid because it's totally not real!
Supergirl, now we are talking, as amazing as Superman but unlike her Kryptonian cousin she has appeared in many a mucky dream.

Dawn French

She's been around for as long as I care to remember and I'm still undecided about her, is she funny? I don't really know, I thought a few episodes of the Vicar of Dibley were actually quite good, especially the Christmas one where she has to eat three Christmas dinners because she's agreed to go to everyones meal. But I absolutely detest French and Saunders because that show just isn't funny! if you think it is funny then you are obviously a moronic buffoon.
She's been on everything, she does every advert under the sun, and I suppose she is a great role model for bigger women out there if she can stand proud and still be adored by the nation (although I must remind you that she is actually Welsh, a line has to be drawn somewhere before the Welsh spiral out of control), she makes the Terry's chocolate orange adverts and revels in the "woman NEEDS chocolate role" although there should be a disclaimer that if you eat too much chocolate then this is what you will turn out like, maybe I'm not being fair, she is always smiling, always bubbly, has made a long career in comedy and serious roles and has not been belittled because of her weight, seems friendly enough and has made a lot of people laugh, so yeah, I think it would be fair to say that I like Dawn French, which is funny really as I don't usually like anything that Lenny Henry's been in.

Being Aware Of the Way You Walk

Have you ever been out and about on foot on your own, when you pass a group of people, usually troublemakers in hoodies, and they scowl at you as you walk past and you do your best not to make eye contact with any of the gang as this will result in their favourite past time of kicking heads in? Well I have, and it's at this precise moment that I always become aware of the way I walk, which I know is absolutely ridiculous but it happens, my walk is absolutely fine, right foot left foot the body follows and I usually get to my intended destination, I occasionally have a slight limp (from an old sports injury) but all in all I think it's fine, but why is it when I need my ability to walk, do I get all jittery and start to think that I'm walking like a man who has just escaped the confines of his wheelchair? I convince myself that I have this stupid little bum wiggle that will make me look like some over exuberant queer, so I try to rectify my walk only to make it worse and end up walking even more stupidly, in my head I'm now walking like my left leg is six feet long and my right leg is 6 inches long. I could seriously give John Cleese (ministry of silly walks) a run for his money sometimes. I think if it continues then I'm going to stop walking altogether, or at least confront the gang of youths so they can break my legs, then I'll have an excuse for walking like a spazz.

Safari Parks

I can't remember much about visiting a safari park, I know I have been to one, but I couldn't tell you where it was, even if you threatened to cover me with jam and sand, I really can't remember where it was, all I do remember about it was that I found out that Giraffes have an affinity towards Monster Munch!
I know you are not supposed to open your windows but everyone does, especially when you see a cheeky monkey wanking himself off in front of you in a strange street theatre kind of way, only he doesn't want money he wants food, in fact, I think I'd rather see (and give money to) masturbating monkeys as I walk through Asda, it'd be much more entertaining than the people who are around every corner you turn playing pan pipes (Makes you wonder if there is anyone left in Peru?)
Monkeys are the main draw for people visiting safaris, I know the lions and tigers are impressive, but they'll eat you, no, it's the monkeys who are best, they jump on your car and shove their big baboon arses into your windscreen, much to the delight of any infants in the vehicle (and secretly appeals to the child in you too), then the best bit, when they start destroying everything on your car that can be destroyed, much to the delight of any infants in the vehicle (but not to you!, it was hilarious when it happened to the car in front though), And then when you do get to the big cats, they are all asleep and when they do look up they look at you as though you're not worthy or getting up for, as if the meat on my bones isn't good enough for them, no wonder the monkeys are such a delight, they would have had my eyes out in a heartbeat, how do you like that mister Lion, you big pussy!

Lazy Remaking Of Songs

Ooooh, this is something that really gets my goat, not because the remakes are rubbish (sometimes they are surprisingly good) it's the fact that they always play the song in a different tempo to the one that you are used to, so when you sing along to the song, you generally sing along too fast and when you start a new verse or the chorus, you come in too early, this makes you look stupid and look unable to keep in time with a song, but it's not your fault! it's the people who have made the songs fault, they should have left the tempo as it was, my recent example for this was 'Birdhouse in your soul' it was on some tv show and it was slow and I looked like I'd never heard the song before, (I have heard it before) but then there is that really famous version of 'Money (that's what I want)' by the flying lizzards, I mean it's a really good version but I get all the bits wrong and I bet I'm not the only one, I say don't remake it unless you remake it exactly the same.

Carry On Films

I think the Carry On... series of films are absolutely genius and typically British, I say this because they have managed to make four million Carry On films and all they had was one joke! And boy oh boy did they know how to stretch that joke over the years, Babs Windsor still actually thinks she is starring in a Carry On production when she isn't filming Eastenders, have a look at her next time she's on tele in a 'real life' situation, there she is, mad as a hatter bumping into people with those unfettered knockers, which, incidentally should have a warning sign (warning: not as good as you might think) the same sign should actually go hand in hand with the Carry On films. I also say that it's typically British because, in a similar vein to only having one joke, they managed to make these films and sell them to the same people over and over again, there was a new Carry On film every week, such was the cheapness to make and shove into the cinemas. People would go and watch them, because they didn't have anything better to do, the sensible people would come out of the cinema and realise they had something to do, hang themselves, the rest simply went home, got up to no good and re populated the country because the male was a bit randy after watching a risque scene in a crap film. Anyone who tells you that they like the Carry On films are liars and should be shot!

Facebook

What is it about Facebook that is so addictive? if someone came up to you and pitched the idea of Facebook to you, you'd probably tell them that it's a stupid idea, it's boring and nobody would be interested in it, yet, as we all know, Facebook is huge. There are other social networking sites (MySpace and Bebo for example) but I think Facebook is the best and I don't know why, I check it every 4 seconds, my addiction to Facebook used to mean I would check it every three seconds but I'm slowly (second by second) getting it in order, I'm not a naturally nosey person and I'm not too bothered what my friends are doing, I just have to keep checking back to see if I've missed something, I might have been poked or someone has left an amusing comment on one of my pictures or I've been outbid on Owned!.
I really shouldn't like Facebook, I can't win it, nobody wins, it's an infringment into my personal life, I keep everything bottled up inside and I very rarely tell people anything about me but click on my Facebook page and you can find out everything you need to know about me, even the size of my knob (V.Small, hard working, vigouos daily exercise regime). Anyway, I'm still as puzzled about Facebook as I was before I started writing this, but I've got to go now and update my status.

Swear Words

I love them, They are smart, sophisticated, to the point and make you feel like a grown up when you use them, I mean it too, swear words are so cool and are naturally used. If you cut of your thumb with a saw you're going to say, "Fuck" or "shit" if someone tells you something amazing then you will undoubtedly say "fucking hell" or some other sort of expletive. Or if you see a girl that you'd like to F... Well I think you get my point on the subject, I'm really geting bored of these people who say, "you don't have to use swear words when there are so many other words in the English dictionary" go on then, what 'fucking' words should I substitute my swear words for without sounding like a twat? you didn't leave any examples did you, you useless wordsmith. It's easy to tell people to use other words and look down on the swearers but there aren't any other words suitable you see, we need swear words to emphasise the point we are trying to make, and unless you are five years old, then 'golly gosh wow' doesn't really cut it.

Joke Telling

Why the fuck can't people tell jokes? it's something that really annoys me, you get people who say, 'have you heard that one about the three legged man?' and you say 'no' in a long drawn out bored kind of way, you don't want to hear it, but you know you are going to get told it anyway, then the person who can't tell jokes (usually a girl) then bores you to death trying to tell this joke in drips, the second line first, then the first line, then the punchline and then the rest of the joke and they fall about laughing as you stand there bored out of your tits and totally confused, then they have the audacity to look at you like a piece of shit because you didn't laugh at their joke!, they don't even apologise for telling the joke wrong, they just think you need a sense of humour, fucking annoying, what's even worse is when they say have you heard the one about... and then reveal the punchline! how stupid is that? The best ones are when they start telling a joke and you already know it so you can shout out the punchline halfway through, thus getting an opportunity to look smug (never miss an opportunity to look smug!) and being able to spoil the joke for everyone else, although you're not really spoiling it, you are actually saving the joke teller from making themselves look a twat because they can't tell the joke right anyway, I mean, how hard is it to get a few sentences in the correct order? Sometimes I really think I am alone on this planet, I really do, how we made it this far as a species is beyond me.

Holidays

Ultimately for me, the best part about going on holiday is coming home so you can brag about how much of a good time you've had abroad in the hot sun drinking all day and eyeing up some foreign bird who once smiled at you (out of pity) while you lot have been back here in old blighty getting piss wet through in the rain and slaving away all day in your sodden clothes at your piss poor excuse for a job. I think that basically sums up what people go on holiday for (well, it's why I go on holiday), then there is the fourteen million photos that they simply must show you and to make matters worse, they suddenly think that because they haven't seen you in a fortnight they think that you have been abducted by aliens, had your brain sucked out of your ear and turned into an absolute imbecile, I say this because as you flick through the pictures as fast as you can, three at a time, they talk about each picture at great length! "that's me" like I needed telling?, I can see it's you, you are right here in front of me! I've seen you in real life more times than you've seen yourself in real life, in fact I might have to doubt your judgement, "is it really you? wow, have you been away or something?" That statement really kills them, it makes them think that nobody missed them, (nobody did) they usually get in a huff about now and bugger off home and you are glad of the peace and quiet, because now you can crack open and enjoy the bottle of duty free whiskey your friend so kindly brought back for you.