Sting and The Police

The thing about the Police (band) is that Sting is a twat, almost up there in the echelons of twattyness currently occupied by Phil Collins, the other thing about the band the Police is that no fucker knows the name of the other two. well, I can reveal that they are called 'Andy Summers and Stuart Copeland" Who'd have thought it eh? two members of the band with normal names in fact so normal that their whole music career became a normal normality of normalness, they could walk down a normal street with a big freaking sign on their heads that reads, 'we're the two blokes who perform with Sting' and no-one would know who they are, in fact I'm going to get my dad to tell any stranger that he meets in the pub that he is, in fact, one of the blokes from 'the Police' their names have already escaped me!
I don't like 'the Police' because their songs are sickly annoying, like, you hear it once and it's great but once really is enough, there's that one about the prozzie and the one that killed off Biggie Smalls and Puff Daddy whined his way through, and the one where they walk about on the moon and that one that recommends that they move away from them, (presumably because they all stink of fags and vomit and twat), all good songs, you'll agree, but do you really need to listen to them again? and again? and then they have just done a reunion tour and didn't have any new stuff (lazy) and it was supposed to be cool because they hadn't spoken to each other for 80 years and they meet up and do a few gigs, because the two who aren't Sting are a bit skint and the one that is Sting wants people to remember him as a musician and not as JD's dads in Lock Stock and two smoking barrels.

Robert Mugabe

"Rob Mugabe had a farm down old zimbab-way"
Mugabe is a bastard of a man, he's a very sore loser and he doesn't have many friends.
He's the bloke in charge of Zimbabwe but the rest of the people who live there don't really like him much so they tried democratically to remove him, old Mugabe had other ideas, when he found out that people didn't want him as their gaffer, he had a proper strop and killed a load of innocent people who said they didn't like him, then when the results came in from the vote, he created a diversion, 'look over there' and stole all the votes that his opponent had earned, eventually killing/raping/maiming/torturing all the people who said that they didn't like him, and so he was allowed to continue in power as it looked like he had won the election, then people grew even more tired of him because they were poor and he wouldn't help them because he wasn't poor so why should he care, anyway, time came when people wanted to vote him out and he knew he would lose, so he had his opponant beaten up and arrested and now has rigged another election so he can stay in power because he knows that if he loses then he'll be killed, the thing is, the way things are going, if he stays in power then I think his chances of survival are even more limited as not a lot of people like him, and there are a lot of people who are desperate enough to have him shot. Mugabe is such a nasty piece of work, even his mother hates him.

Voting

Every year there will be a public vote on something, it might be a local or a general election, regardless of what it is, even if it's a vote to see whether there should be a vote, then you should go and bloody vote! I'm sick to the back teeth of people who moan and cuss the state of the nation and the government and their local MPs and the way they feel let down, and yet, last time there was a vote, they couldn't be bothered to drag themselves off their fat arses to go to the polling station and put an 'X' in a box! hell, you can even apply to vote by post if you want, it doesn't matter how you vote as long as you fucking get down to the polling station and cast your vote. People can't be arsed to vote because, 'my party never win' or, 'I don't understand politics', or, 'I'm a lazy bastard' this is ridiculous, it's not about if you can pick the winner of the election, it's about not giving you vote to someone else who's policies you don't like, for every vote you give to say, Labour, then it's one vote that the Tories haven't received, and later on, they will have a meeting and wonder why so many people didn't vote for them then figure out that it's because you, yes you! didn't like certain policies and so next time round they will change their strategy to try and please you and the rest of the people who didn't vote for them, it's a democracy for Christ sake, if you don't tell people what you want (by voting or writing to your local M.P) then how will they ever know how happy/pissed off you are, if you don't understand politics, then I suggest you get a fucking newspaper or watch the news sometimes, there are many levels of media that will inform you of what's happening and what party are doing what, all you need to do is spend ten minutes a week and you will eventually find something that the Tories or Labour are doing and you'll think, 'I like that, I'll vote for them' or 'That's stupid, they'll not get my vote' it's that simple! so stop being bone idle, expand your knowledge, earn your right to complain about society, and if you are still confused then 'vote for Pedro'.

Blogs

Blogs are the biggest waste of time in the history of the world.
People who write blogs are generally dull and writing a blog is their way of admitting that they don't have enough friends to occupy the day, of course, you could feel sorry for the unfortunate blogger, but I don't advise that attitude at all, because as a blogger sits at home all day, blogging, he/she is also thinking of ways in their head to turn round every situation to work to their advantage, you see, once you've given a blogger sympathy, you've also given them a way in, an invitation to come in and disappoint you and then leave, the blogger will return to their nest and blog away, waiting for their next victim, a blogger would take a post like this one, where the opening lines almost make you feel sorry for the individual, then they will witter on to make you continue reading and then they'll strike saying something like; "but the truth is the blogger has plenty of friends, he just feels they are not worthy of his attention, and that he'd rather sit at his computer, thinking up rubbish and putting it into words, than socialise with a third rate imbecile like you, because after all, you're the one reading what he writes!"

Beards

Why is it that only cool people have beards? famous beard wearers off the top of my head include, Me, Mister Miagi, ZZ top, Father Christmas, Chuck Norris, Mr T, Hagrid from Harry Potter, Abe Lincoln, Cher....those are just a few, I don't need to write a list of everyone who is suave enough to grow a beard, because I'd be here all day and I'm sure you can think of a few beardies of your own that you might feel need a credible mention.
The beard was originally invented in 1986 by a man named Gary as a sign of virility, and the male member of the species, grew the hair on his chin and face to attract women, who would look at the beard and wilt with delight, the beard took on a new meaning when baddies started wearing them, (Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Cher) but it survived the rocky ride and now it's back in fashion, and anyone who is anyone will be sporting some sort of face fuzz, be it, a nicely trimmed beard, a big old sea dog beard, or a goatee, where ever you go today, you will see a beard, unless you go to prison where beards are banned because people used to hide in them and escape through the main gates, or they would conveniently hide under their beards whilst digging a tunnel under the walls, out of view of the guards.

Big Brother

It's back, the annual watch a wanker season and this year is no exception, sixteen of the most stupid people on these shores have made it through the selection process and are now in the process of ruining their lives, not that they have much of a life to begin with otherwise they wouldn't be in the telebox trying to be; I don't know what they are trying to be, fame hungry morons, series one was billed as a social experiment, to see how people could cope living in each others pockets and being filmed 24/7. Since then it's become a way of getting your fifteen minutes of fame, even though out of a country of 60 million or so people, there are less than 1 million people who would actually recognise you in the street and less than one person in that million wouldn't actually want to punch you in the face.
It's cheap tv, no script writers, no actors, lah dee dah, and the end result is no entertainment, just a bunch of fuck heads, smoking and arguing because to be fair, if I was in there I'd hate everyone, but next year I'm going to be on it, I've figured out that the only way to avoid big brother on every media level for three months next year is to be in the show and win it, then, when I win, I'll take a big shit in the toilet and not flush it away, then I'll definitely watch the year after my victory, and hope the person who lifts the toilet lid first and finds my gift, will be crowned the winner.

This years winner: Channel 4

Repeats

Television repeats are the most annoying thing in the world, especially if you've seen the show! even more annoying is when you watch the show half way through and realise that you've seen it before and thus have missed another show that you haven't seen but is one of those shows that probably wont be repeated and every one else in the world watched it except you! The thing is, there are too many channels to fill the schedules, so you have the Top Gear Channel, The M*A*S*H channel, the Friends channel etc etc, and now the program makers have realised that they can sit at home with their feet up and not create anything new because a repeat will suffice, it'll get to the point where the program makers will start making repeats specifically for the 'repeat' channel. There are god knows how many versions of Pride and Prejudice out there and yet, there will no doubt be another version being filmed right now with some doe eyed bint, who's going to be the next big thing, this is just an excuse to get some tart in a corset (corset is! haha) so you can gawp at her knockers and pretend that you are interested in period dramas.
I am truly sick of repeats, I want to see fresh, new ideas, not old ideas from my youth that seemed old and rubbish at the time, It's getting so bad that some channels are showing old football matches, what's the point of that? we all know the score and in my eyes once you know the score, the match is irrelevant, one exception to this is Match of the day, where it is good to see the goals scored and conceded and the dirty tackle and the latest dive technique mastered by the Chelsea squad.
Anyway rant over, I'm going to go and watch Only Fools and Horses.

Intelligence Quotient

I'll admit it, when I got my results for my IQ test, I was embarrassed, I couldn't believe the score, and I didn't want to tell anyone, I was embarrassed for my mother because she had always boasted about having a great IQ, and then I get my result and beat her IQ and prove her wrong about being smart, you see, I went and got 143 which is rather high and certainly doesn't seem right, but it is right! I am that clever and now I don't mind telling people because I also read that Liam Gallagher has a higher IQ than Carol Vorderman, so now it goes to show that you don't have to act intelligent to actually be a boffin. I'm happy about the score but now I've promised myself that I will never take one again, just in case the results come through, well, badly, then I would be upset and have justification for why I come across as an idiot, so I'm sticking with my 143 and that's that! but what if it goes up? well that thought has entered my head and thus I could be cheating myself out of knowing how brilliant I am, but I won't miss it if I never [realised I] actually had it, I also read that heavy drinking reduces your IQ (because your brain cells drown in beer presumably) but as I have been a heavy drinker for years and still managed a 143 result, I think I can either, carry on drinking because I've got a few IQ points to spare before I become one of the little people, or that my IQ is actually increasing with age and alcohol and pretty soon I will be the new rain man!

Walking Sticks

I'm not talking about the stick you see old men using to keep their balance and walk from A to B and point at things with, no, I'm talking about real ramblers walking sticks, those things that look like ski poles, but for walkers! Rambling is basically the equvallent of walking across your garden but on a grand scale, your garden becomes the country side, but all in all, it's just walking on grass, this is the bit that riles me, these rambling types, (grey hair, weird beards, stupid dress sense and a flask of weak coffee - and that's just the women!), they all have these bloody walking sticks, I've seen them (some even have two), they drive to their start point, walk around the car put their bum bags on and set off along the tarmac, unaided, perfectly able to put one foot in front of the other, but as soon as they put one foot onto grass, out comes the stick, and some have a clever stick that is like a transformer and folds into the size of an atom, no, as soon as they hit grass, they feel the need for a stick, and I would like to know why because it's not that hard to walk on grass and it doesn't hurt as much as tarmac does if you happen to fall over. I'm not going to talk to one of these rambling types any time soon, they hang around in their own little groups, presumably because these rambling types are mind control experts, those who talk to them and don't die of bordom are whisked away to a secret location (Thirsk), taught how to talk like Mr Bean and given a kagool and a stick and sent out into the wild, god help us, they are like rats, you are never more than 10 feet away from someone who thinks it's a good idea on a rainy day to walk up a grassy knoll!

What Annoys Me The Most

I recently filled out a survery where the question was, "what annoys you most?" Well here are the options:

A pen which has run out of ink,Alistair Darling,Americans,Amy Winehouse,Anthea Turner,Automated phone systems,Bad hair days,Bad manners,Bank charges,Being left on hold,Being overcharged,Being put on hold,Big Brother,Blokes in flip-flops,Bosses,Bottled Water – why not drink from the tap?,Breaking a nail,Britney Spears,Brownnosers,Burning your toast,Buses not arriving on time,Caravans,Carol Vorderman,Cashiers giving you your change on top of a receipt,Cat hair that sticks to your clothes,CDs that skip,Chavs,Children that cough in your face,Chiwawas,Cold Callers,Coldsores,Computer/console games freezing,Cost of petrol,Cramp,Cyclists,Debt Companies,Diahorrea,Dodgy printer,Dog owners that don’t clean up after their dog,Egg timer appearing on the computer,Email spam,Embarrassing farts,Estate Agents,Failing your driving test,Finding that you’ve run out of toilet paper when you really need the loo!,Flat tyres,Flatmates that use up all the milk,Flies,Garden weeds,Getting a puff of smoke in your face,Getting something in your eye,Gillian Mckeith,Gordon Brown,Handles breaking on supermarket carrier bags,Hangovers,Hay fever,Headaches,Heat rash,Heather Mills,Hollyoaks,Hoodies,Housework,International telephone call centres,Jade Goody,Jehovah’s witnesses,Jodie Marsh,John McCririck,Jordan,Junk mail,Karaoke,Kerry Katona,Leaving your mobile at home,Lindsay Lohan,Losing your glasses,Losing your passport,Middle lane drivers on the motorway,Missing the last post,Mosquitoes,Mother-in-Laws,Motorcyclists weaving in and out of traffic,Natasha Kaplinsky,Noisy eaters,Noisy neighbours,Not being able to find a matching pair of socks,Not having change when you really need it,Novelty ring tones,Out of tune singers,Paper cuts,People chatting loudly on mobile phone on public transport,People drinking from the carton,People driving close behind you,People pushing prams in a shop,People ramming the back of your heels with trolleys,People reading over your shoulder,People that have their mobile turned off when you really need to get in contact with them,People that park in disabled bays when they’re not disabled,People waving money at the bar, trying to attract attention.,People who complain how fat they are when they’re so obviously skinny,People who mumble,People who sit in the outside lane doing 50mph,People who text in capitals,Pete Doherty,Pimped up cars,Posh Spice,Postmen who don’t push the post all the way through the letterbox,Power cuts,Pranging your car,Queue jumpers,Queuing,Reaching a set of traffic lights, just as they go red,Receiving birthday/Christmas cards from pets,Reformed smokers,Roadworks,Rubbish opening times to doctors, dentists,Rude shop staff,Running out of petrol,Sara Cox,Scientology,Screaming children,Secret workers before exams,Slow computer,Small yapping dogs,Smoking ban,Snobs,Socialists,Somebody nicking your parking spot,Spots,Stepping in chewing gum,Stepping in dog poo,Steve McClaren,Stubbing your toe,Sunburn,Tax hikes,Tax returns,Temperamental internet connections,The hot water running out when you’re running a bath,Traffic jams,Traffic wardens,Trying to find the end of the selotape or toilet roll,Warm beer,Wasps,Westlife,White van man drivers

Actually all of the above works for me, but you know what really annoyed me most?, it was the three words at the top of the page, 'choose ONE answer'

John Doe

Why in the world would anyone who lives in America, call their child Jane or John Doe?
Maybe I'm missing something, I always assumed that any name was as good as the other, it's just a word to identify a person or pet or whatever, however, that's not the point I'm getting to, If you have a child called Jane Doe or John Doe, then I'm really sorry people but you have just given your child THE worlds most unlucky name! Check it out in films or even better, check out real stories or case files, every dead body they find is either called Jane or John Doe, even if there are ten bodies in the same room, it's like they were at convention for people with the name Jane or John Doe and then some fucker burst in and killed them, so rule number one, DON'T, for the love of God call your kids John or Jane Doe, and number two, if by some unfortunate fact you are called John or Jane Doe (then I guarantee you, you will die very soon) what ever you do DON'T go to a convention/party with your namesakes, it's just not worth it!

Graham 'Fucking' Norton

Anyone like him? no? really? what a surprise, I've yet to meet anyone who like this wretched little poofter, he is really the most disgusting little leprechaun I've ever seen in my life, who the hell discovered this guy and thought, 'he'd be good on mainstream television' I'll tell you who, some fucker without a television that's who, he's there now laughing his knackers off because he doesn't have to look at old potato face every freaking minute of the day, and I bet if he could get on television more than twenty four hours a day, then he would try, I've had more of an affinity with a pile of cat sick than I ever could with Norton. His father should have been castrated and his mother burned at the stake for creating him. He doesn't even try to be likeable, he has a face that looks like his neck has regurgitated the contents of a dog poo bin and left a little white tuft, just to make it seem normal, the man (if that's what he is) isn't normal, and is another example of the celebrity tagging that I invented for Kilroy, I'd love to meet him actually, I'd beat the living bejeeesus out of him and when I stand before the judge, I can guarantee you that the judge will let me go, reccomend me for a knighthood, give me a million pounds in damages and throw Norton into jail for being Graham 'fucking' Norton!

Making Appointments

I hate the word appointments, it sounds so clinical and scary, and I don't know what else to call going for drinks (other than 'going for drinks' because I think that sounds like you are doing something else too, you are being sketchy about your plans and don't want me to know, hmmmmmm), I suppose saying, 'it's a date' is sufficient but then people get the wrong impression and think you are actually going 'on a date' and then it's embarrassing when they see you in the pub later with a male friend whom they don't know, it's not easy to explain.
I've just arranged to go out this Saturday, which means I've got days and days to wait before going out with my friends, I prefer not arranging anything until about ten seconds before I actually do it, (much like my last words on this world will be, "hey guys, watch this..") Now I have to endure the working week, which is about as much fun as snogging your mother, The thing is, I know the night will be like every other night out and I'll probably spend too much money and I'll wonder to myself why I looked forward to the night out in the first place, which is probably why I have agreed to go out and not bothered going on many occasions so can I beg you all now, don't ask me to go out for drinks with you unless we are going right now!